Saturday, April 30, 2011


Waiting is the hardest thing for me to do these days. We're so used to having things constantly and at the time we expect it to come. But without patience, we will never know to appreciate the things that we have. The time we spend with our loved ones and friends, leads to the looking at the clock. No more quality time or time well spent in the mode. All has become part of the fastlane of life and next thing you know, you start wondering and try remembering what had happened and how did I get to this place.

It kills me for I am a very impatient person. I wonder...when will my time come? Some people say, stop looking for it. If you don't expect it to come, thats when it shows up. Well, I've tried both. I've had my share of jerks and assholes. And I was told that you're gonna go through alot of jerks to meet the one that is compatible with you. I don't think I can take these heartaches. I had only wish they'd see me for who I was and not just for what I have.

I've always believed that there is a guy out there that is different from all the rest. But at this point in my life, I feel like men are dogs. Yet I yearn for their companionship. Many say I'm picky. If I wasn't, I'd let any guy just step over me and do what he wants and I'm his slave. Hell no I ain't gonna have that. No way! I wish I could just have no kind of feelings. But I do!!!

For once in my life, I just want to feel and be held by someone who loves me unconditionally, no strings attached. The intimacy of two becoming one. I have so many regrets of giving myself to lesser lovers, and in return, I am left with more loneliness and painful heartache that I had to begin with. I cry every now and then, because of this emptiness that rules my heart. Peace should take its place, but somehow it cannot reside there today.

I'm not average all around pretty girl. And I don't have the body, or the character that may attract some man. I don't wanna be like others, I want to be me, take it or leave it. But in our society today, its how you dress, how you look, how much you weigh, etc. I've tried to do all those things and can't keep up. I'm tired of selling myself short. I wanna be me, who God created me to be. But no one can see that!

What the hell am I rambling about? Oh gosh, I'm so lost and confused. I'm just venting and venting and usually it would help, but I guess this one is much bigger than me. GOD!!!!!! Whats going on with me?? Damn, its the waiting part again. I'm so emotional yet so drained by the thought of being patient with life. So weary, so beat, tired of all this. WAITING....its the most hardest thing to do!!!

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I love to write... wether it be music or everyday life moments!! I love the Lord as much as the air I breathe.. HE is my source of strength and my way to LIFE ABUNDANTLY.